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Can I Offer You A Drink... In My Bunker?

By kelli14 · September 27, 2012

At the end of July, I left Louisiana and moved to Charlotte, North Carolina. I lived up here once before and enjoyed it and decided it was time to move back. My primary focus has been on finding a job, but I've still managed to meet a few guys here and there.  One of them has been so ... entertaining ... that it warranted a blog post.

To be clear, I did NOT meet this guy online. We were set up by his sister. She had him contact me on facebook and the initial contact was nothing fabulous. He welcomed me to the city and told me to let him know if I had any questions. And that was that... A week or so later we held a massive tailgate party for the Saints/Panthers game. Naturally, there were status updates and pictures, as well as some filming by major sports networks. I can only assume my football fandom caused him to suddenly become more interested, as he wanted to meet up the following weekend. I'm always up for meeting new folks, so I invited him to meet a group of us at an outdoor rock concert.

He met us out that Friday night and it was immediately awkward. Everyone was sitting around the table as the first band played. We were all talking about nothing in particular, except for him. He was silent. I tried pulling conversation out of him, but it just wasn't working. The one time he did speak up, however, was to tell me how he doesn't go to clubs much anymore because he gets kicked out of them so often. We're not off to a good start here. After the first band finished, we moved out closer to the front of the stage for the second band. That's when things quickly went from uncomfortable to downright annoying. He spent the show either tapping me on the shoulder for a high-five (really???) or leaning on me. All of a sudden he goes from silence to obnoxious PDA. Look, pal, we're standing in a crowd full of people. It's pretty hot up here being so close to everybody. Stop with the leaning!!! I can clearly see no one is shoving you into me. You just think this is a cute way to touch me. Back off! Finally the show ended. He left and I went home, knowing I'd likely never voluntarily see him again.

Saturday morning started off with a text from him. His family is going to spend a weekend in the mountains whitewater rafting soon. Did I want to join them? I don't know what part of my aggravated facial expression the previous night made him think this was the logical next step, but I declined the offer. I know this was when I should have told him we had no future, but I just wasn't interested in dealing with all that pre-coffee. I let it go, not realizing that talk was coming really soon.

On Sunday morning I posted a status on facebook about the 2007 NY Giants football team. The status was a statement of fact - they started the season 0-2 with then-first year defensive coordinator Steve Spagnuolo and won the Super Bowl. This was not a prediction that the Saints would do exactly the same thing. I intended it as a way to keep people believing that anything is possible and that our season isn't lost. My Saints fan friends understood this. My new friend from Friday night, who happens to be a Panthers fan (bless his heart), decided this was a good opportunity to start trouble on facebook. What people on fb didn't see, though, was that he was texting me that he didn't mean anything he said online but had to keep up an image and couldn't let people know he was pulling for the Saints. I immediately called him out on this ridiculous behavior. He begged me not to defriend him on fb (I didn't at that point) and I proceeded to ignore his texts and focus on the game. Then he started sending me commentary:

"Touchdown Saints!"

"That call was bs!"

"Did you see that catch?"

"Wow! What a play!"

This went on the entire length of the game. I ignored every one of them until we went to overtime. At that point, I sent him a message saying, "Stop. For the love of god, please stop blowing up my phone." He responded after the game was over with "Don't be a sore loser." I fired back. He then claimed he was cheering for the Saints because he wants to see me smile. Then all hell broke loose.

Me: "Don't cheer for them because of me. The likelihood of anything happening between us is slim to none."

Him: "Don't flatter yourself, sweetie. I don't cheer for them just because of you. But glad to know I still have a chance."

Me: "You have about as much of a chance with me as the Saints and Panthers playing each other in the Super Bowl this year."

Him: "Just FYI...they both play in the NFC, so they can't play each other in the SB."

Me: "Exactly my point."

I then went on fb and deleted, and subsequently blocked, my new friend. He called me out on it and I chose not to respond. My head was killing me. I had had enough. I'm NEVER one to be mean like that, but he was just annoying me. He even told me at one point that my meanness was turning him on. Ugh...  Any logical person would assume this was the end of the tale, but that's not the case at all.

At lunch on Monday, he texted me that he hoped I was having a good day. I again ignored him. That evening, he sent me a novel-length apology text. He finished it by saying he hoped I could forgive his behavior, but that if I never wanted to see him again I should let him know. I told him I never wanted to see him again.  His response is one I've never encountered since I've been old enough to date, and one I will likely never forget.

"Ok thanks for being honest. And if you want to know the truth about the coming environmental disaster coming to Louisiana just ask me and I'll tell you all about it if you don't already know. Life is short. WW3 is about here. Then martial law will be implemented in the USA. That's when I'm going to the mountains where my dad lives. And you are more than welcome to come with me only bc I like you. You may think I sound like a nut right now but it's about to get real here and it's time to wake up. God bless."  **(The only thing I changed from that message was spelling & grammar. I had to in order to make it make some sort of sense [if that's even possible].)

I'm sorry... what?!?!?! Environmental disaster? World war 3?? I appreciate the offer of finding safety in the mountains with you, but I'm going to have to pass.  As several of my friends mentioned, we may find ourselves at a point where the future of the human race depends on us and I cannot put myself in that situation. I refuse to procreate with a leaner! A girl's gotta draw the line somewhere!

In case you're wondering, no, I did not respond to that message. I was tempted to just to get an explanation, but I know better than that. I just hope I don't one day find myself wishing I had access to a safe place in the mountains.

Timing is Everything

By kelli14 · July 2, 2012

My goodness, I haven't posted anything here in a year. I simply haven't had
anything to say. Even now, I don't really have anything to say. It just happens
that I feel like a big ol' mess of emotions right now and the best way for me to
work out my problems is to write them down (or type them out, in this case). For
those of you who follow my blog, bear with me. Or don't. This may not be pretty
or my most cohesive writing ever. My end goal is not to publish something that I
blast all over fb (as a matter of fact, I deleted the fan page a while back). I
just want to work some things out in my head and my heart. Disclaimer over. Here
goes nothing...

Louisiana is my home. I love it here. I have friends
here, family here. I love the excitement and entertainment that you find here
that just don't exist anywhere else. This has been my home my entire life, with
the exception of the 2 years I spent in North Carolina in grad school. I've been
back from school and back in LA almost 3 years and I have spent that time
spinning my freaking wheels. Same friends and family I love, but doing the exact
same things we've been doing forever. Nothing changed. A job that can be mildly
amusing and occasionally rewarding, but with no opportunity whatsoever for
growth or a pay raise. And I've been single for 4 fucking years. That's just
ridiculous. Sure there have been dates, but they have involved lots of wrong
people and a little bit of wrong time. I've spent the last year looking for a
change - a new job, new things to do/try, a man in my life - and I've been
coming up short. Frustration mounted. And then, an opportunity presented

My brother & his gf told me I could move back to NC and be a
guest in their home until I found a good job that I enjoyed. I had already
planned to drive up there for a wedding in July, wouldn't be anymore difficult
to drive up with all my crap too. But what about my lease? Oh, that was up at
the end of June. Just paying for a few extra days now. There's a strong
contingent of Louisiana people in NC, too, so that will help prevent any
withdrawals I may have once football season rolls around. Stars aligned, magic
happened and things fell perfectly into place to make this seem like a great
idea. Don't get me wrong - it is the best possible thing for me to do. I've
given LA a year to find improvement and I didn't find it. I'm not having second
thoughts about the move (oh, I have over the course of the last month, but I
know deep down that it's a good idea).

So what's the problem? Well,
wouldn't you just know, life isn't fair. Sometimes, it's just downright cruel. I
gave my boss and my apartment complex my notice on a Thursday about a month ago.
That night, that mother freaking night, I met a guy. Not just any guy. A guy
with a great heart. A genuinely good person. The kind of genuinely good person
I've been looking for. This is a joke that is not funny. Where has he been the
last  4 years? In a relationship with the wrong person. They split a few months
ago. Is he over it? I doubt it. Actually, I'm certain he's not. Yet. He'll get
over it eventually. How long? Who knows? It took me damn near forever to move on
from my last breakup. But guys are different from girls when it comes to those
things and the circumstances of our breakups are very different. Could take him
another week. Could take him a year. I don't have a clue. I'm not interested in
being his rebound, but given that I'm moving to NC and he's staying in LA, that
doesn't really matter. I won't have the chance to deal with that. So, yeah, a
breakup. That's a really big deal. Timing isn't great for him, as he's trying to
deal with those feelings and figure out where to go from here. I've been there.
I get it. I'm moving. So the timing really isn't good for me either. But we have
a connection, a pretty strong connection. He's attractive, funny, well educated.
We have similar tastes, but not identical (which is a plus. Having some

differences brings variety to things.). Each weekend since we met, we have spent
at least one night hanging out and doing something we both enjoy - all of those
things have involved music/concerts and we've had a blast and stayed out far too
late each time. It's all been pretty innocent fun. No pressure to do anything
either of us didn't want to do. And there hasn't been any posing from either one
of us - we've both been our 100% real selves. I like what I saw. A lot. I'm
usually pretty good at getting a read on people and so far I can't find any
problems other than distance and his coming out of a relationship. He's allergic
to cats, but that's nothing benadryl can't handle for the little bit of time my
very old cat will continue to be in my life. The simple fact is I need to know
more. I need some more in depth conversation. I need some life story, some
family dynamics. What makes you happy? What kind of temper do you have, if any,
when things don't go your way? We've exchanged a stupid number of texts in the
last 4 weeks (over 2000) and had a few calls here and there. There has been some
substance, but not tons. Why get into all that when I'm moving away? Well, why
the hell didn't we? Oh yeah, he's still guarded from that breakup. But I want to
know more. I want to get to know him and what makes him tick. Sadly, back to
that timing thing, he left for a family trip overseas today and I will have
moved by the time he gets back. So our time together ended the other night. Shit

My dilemma is this: am I getting too into this because the
timing is bad? I don't think this is the end of our story. I'm not saying he's
going to relocate, and I'm not by any means saying I'm hoping NC doesn't work
out so I can move back home. But I feel like we'll still talk/text/whatever. If
I don't move away and meet someone immediately (hey, anything could happen), I
definitely want to see him when I go back home in October for a long weekend. I
told him today that he's always welcome to visit and I really hope he takes me
up on that offer. On the one hand, I really hate that it all happened this way.
But on the other hand, I'm really happy that I met him and I'm hopeful. No,
no... I'm not hopeful. I'm certain there is more to come. I don't know what that
is. It could be that I find out that he won't be ready to come around and open
up completely again anytime soon. I doubt it though. It could be that I find out
there are some big red flags there or that we aren't really all that compatible.
I just don't know yet. Or it could be that we decide to move hell and earth to
make this shit happen. I have no freaking clue and that is killing me!!!! The
only good thing about my move (as far as this is concerned) that I can see, and
this is actually pretty good as a friend of mine pointed out, is that he won't
have the chance to rush into something he's not ready for and I won't end up as
somebody's rebound girl only to get hurt. That's a big freaking plus in my

And did I mention that he gave me a gift when we said our
goodbyes the other night? It wasn't much - a cd he enjoys that he thought I
would like. He wrote a little message to me on it, very reminiscent of getting a
gift from a boy in high school. It was cute. It was sweet. It was not necessary
by any means. But it speaks volumes to me about what kind of guy he is. And this
was after he had started the evening by catching a football at an arena game,
which he has been trying and failing to do all season, and then giving it to the
kid sitting next to him. A kid he hadn't met until that night. Come on, man. Who
does stuff like that? Not most people. It is entirely likely that I'm more
invested in this than he is. After all, I am at a place in my life where I'm
ready to meet someone, get married and have kids. I'm ready to have a grown up
life. I really hope he gets to that place soon, but I know I can't wait around
forever for it to happen. I need to finish packing, relocate and start fresh in
NC. I need to live my life and see if, at the end of the day, we each have
places in our lives for each other. The fact that he will still be out of the
country when I move and get settled in is a good thing. No distractions or
things keeping me from fully enjoying my new home. I don't have a lot of
patience, but I need to dig down deep inside of me and find some to help with
this. I know it will all work out for the best in the end.

I Dreamed a Little Dream

By kelli14 · August 6, 2011

I had a dream last night about my wedding. It was beautiful and simple and the first time I've dreamt about my wedding in, well, ever. I couldn't tell you who the groom was because I didn't see him. I guess you can't see the face of someone you don't know in a dream. The ceremony was simple - we eloped in Italy. I couldn't tell you any details of it because I've never been to Italy and therefore can't describe the scenery or the people or how it all worked out. But I know we weren't in Rome or Florence. We were in some small town somewhere and it was all very quaint and easy. We didn't have friends or family there as witnesses; we just found a couple of locals who volunteered to be part of our day. Next thing I know, we're back in the US and having a reception with everyone we love. We rented out one of the riverboats in New Orleans and had one hell of a party. There was no stress involved. No worrying about flowers or bridesmaid dresses or who to choose to be in the bridal party. It wasn't about having a bigger and better wedding than someone else. It was about us and it was just how we wanted it to be.

So what prompted me to dream about my wedding day? I'm not engaged and I'm no closer to being engaged than I have been at any point over the last 4 years. It's not a matter of biological clocks or self-imposed deadlines (I gave myself one when I was in high school. I wanted to be married by the time I was 27. I will be 29 in October.). The fact is that I've been involved in many conversations about weddings and engagements lately, so I guess it was just on my mind. For starters, I will be a bridesmaid in a close friend's wedding in 8 months. I remember the day she got engaged and when she picked the date and I remember thinking it was so far away. Now it'll be here before we know it. I have to buy my dress soon and start thinking of shower gifts and just how we'll torture her for her bachelorette party. So, yes, that's partly to blame for my dream.

Also to blame is my brother's former roommate (and my former roommate, as the three of us lived together for a year). He proposed to his girlfriend yesterday, which is great and I wish them the best. His fiance is close friends with my brother's girlfriend, so I can only imagine there will now be a delicate dance involved between the two couples - the one living the excitement of a new engagement and the requisite wedding planning and the other one going through life as a couple in love, navigating the hurdles of living together, families, jobs, and all that other fun stuff. The engaged couple has been dating for a significantly shorter amount of time than the non-engaged couple. Some might say they're impulsive, but my parents had a total of 8 months between first date and wedding day and they've been happily married for almost 31 years. I did have a little laugh last night when I heard the news, though, because I distinctly remember New Year's Eve and hearing our former roommate saying his resolution was to not date for a year. Now he's engaged. Who'd have thought that would be the case just a few months later?

One of my college friends came to visit last weekend and during a discussion about guys and marriage she mentioned she would like to be engaged at Christmas. That's a lofty goal, I thought, considering she's not in a serious relationship. But maybe it isn't. Maybe sometimes crazy things happen and girls get to have the fairytale romance and all their dreams come true. I know my parents were engaged after a short amount of time dating, but I like to think of them as the exception and not the rule. The last wedding I was in - as MOH for another close friend - was two years ago and that couple dated for a few years before becoming engaged and walking down the aisle. The wedding I'll be in in a few months follows the same pattern. I remember meeting the groom around the same time I became single 4 years ago and they dated about 3 years before becoming engaged. That's how it works, right? You date for a while before you decide that marriage is the thing to do. Unless you don't... Unless you're certain that the person is right and the time is right and then you just jump in head first and get hitched.

I bet it could happen for me if I wanted it badly enough. Hell, I can think of a few guys I could call right now and say, "ok, let's be a couple" and probably end up in a serious relationship with any of them. If I tried hard enough, I could potentially be engaged by Christmas. But I won't do that. Why? Because, as my mom says, I insist on finding a guy who gets me all hot and bothered mentally and physically. And I insist on that being the case when I'm sober, drunk or in a really bad mood. As for those guys, we don't have the right mix of those things I'm just so picky about. So I won't be calling them up or jumping into serious relationships or engaged before 2012. And you know what? That's ok! I don't buy into the idea of settling or marrying someone because I'm approaching 30 and gosh darn it if I'm not married by the time I'm 30 I'll just die! No, that just doesn't work for me. What does work for me is being in my dream job and being happy and successful and independent. At some point in time, if I'm lucky and the stars align just right, I'll find that guy who has all those things I'm looking for and he'll feel about me the way I feel about him. And then, after we've dated for whatever we decide to be a reasonable amount of time (could be 2 days or it could be 2 years), we'll run away to Italy and get married. Then we'll go about life the way we had before we were married, except now we'll have tax breaks and I'll have to learn how to share a bed with someone. Maybe there will be kids or maybe there won't be. I don't have all the answers and I won't make all of those decisions by myself. For now, baby steps: finding my dream job, striking up a conversation with the guy at the bar who wants to show me his Michael Jackson dance moves (instead of laughing and walking away), and coping with the fact that Prince Charming might snore, though I really hope that's not the case.

One of Those Weekends

By kelli14 · June 22, 2011

The weekend I had was something.  I have yet to decide if it was something remarkable or ridiculous (though I'm leaning towards the latter), but it surely was nothing short of eventful. It was a weekend where almost every minute was filled with something to do, which I tend to enjoy. Here's the recap:


I went to a VIP party for a new bar opening up in the town where I live (not to be confused with the town I party in.... this was no VIP party in NOLA, but it was good enough).  I was told the dress code was "look nice," which I interpreted as dress for a night out but don't look like a tramp. Easy enough. Armed with my favorite LBD and some fancy new heels, I hit the road. The bar was nice, the drinks were free and I knew just about everyone there. It was a good night for the most part. The part that bothered me was how many times I was approached by guys I knew saying, "You look hot" (or some variation). I'm not one to shy away from a compliment, so that wasn't the issue. I also know that my typical look for work and home involves minimal makeup and casual clothing and that my going-out look tends to get reactions from people who aren't used to seeing me this way (I think I took She's All That to heart a little too much). My problem? Thanks for the kind words, but I believe your wife is looking for you. Not a problem if the guy is saying, "You look nice," but the word hot conjures up totally different emotions.  And the married thing was the case 98% of the time. The times when it wasn't: the bar owner told me I should get dressed up pretty and head to his bar often to "pick up chicks." I know I'm rarely ever seen with a guy (lately I just can't seem to tolerate them), but I'm not about to switch teams (that's not how that works anyway). I didn't feel a need to get on my soapbox, so I responded with a smile and "You're right. That sounds like a great idea." Conversation over. The other time was when a guy I knew to be unmarried told me he barely recognized me all dressed up. I thanked him and we started talking about how it had been a while since we'd seen each other. I remarked, "Last time I saw you, you were just moving in with your girlfriend." (I'm surprisingly smooth sometimes.) He told me that didn't work out and I started thinking this was going well... and then... one of his friends walked up and told him his girlfriend needed a refill. His face turned red, he walked away, and I spent the rest of my night hanging out "safe" people. The point is that, yes, it's nice to be noticed and complimented. But it gets really annoying when it's coming from guys who are completely unavailable - and if you have a wedding ring or a girlfriend, in my book, that makes you COMPLETELY unavailable. It's like knowing yesterday's winning lottery numbers - totally useless. Do me a favor and keep it to yourself. Obviously, should circumstances change, feel free to share your feelings, though that's no guarantee that they will be reciprocated. Which leads us to....


One of my BFF's was celebrating her birthday and we went to a local bar to party. It was also the night of the "official" reunion for our high school class, which was combined with the "official" reunion for the graduation class a year after us. Aforementioned friend and I threw an "unofficial" party last year (because an 11 year reunion makes no sense) and had decided against going to the recent one, but we knew almost everyone who attended would show up at the same bar. Two birds, one stone. My night was spent with lots of "I haven't seen you in soooo long!" comments and plenty of reminiscing and catching up. And then somebody played a cruel joke on me, or so it seemed. It certainly doesn't seem like reality. Not one, not 2, but 4 of the guys I spoke with told me they'd had a crush on me for a really long time. It got to the point that when the 4th guy said those words, I asked him if he was fu@$!ng kidding me and who had paid him to tell me that. Seriously, that shit doesn't happen to me... or anyone outside of a Hollywood movie. It would be different if the conversation was more like "I had the biggest crush on you but now..." That's not how it was, though. It was along the lines of "I had the biggest crush on you! I can't believe you're single and here we are." Again with the starry eyed nonsense? Stop that, fellas. I'm the girl here, not you.

Then came the pissing contests. There were conversations between guys over whether I was there with one of them, or going home with one of them, or if one was cock blocking another. Do I not get a say in any of this? The best part was that some of these guys gossip worse than girls I know, and they proceeded to tell me all the sordid details of their conversations with each other about me. This is about the point in time where I should've shouted, "To hell with all of you!" and run out the door, but it seems I spent Saturday without a conscience or much sense at all. I can't blame it on the alcohol. I knew I had plans with my dad for Father's Day and didn't want to disappoint him by being hungover, so being drunk wasn't it. For reasons I still can't understand, I stuck around and endured the foolishness. I didn't put my foot down. I didn't tell them to go jump off a cliff or annoy some other girl. I guess I was just being an attention whore. I did draw the line at the almost-fight. There is absolutely nothing attractive about guys fighting over you. It's very caveman-esque and made me feel like a piece of property. Not cool.

Luckily, Saturday ended and Sunday came around, bringing with it my conscience and hopefully some better decision-making skills. I have another crazy busy weekend of partying ahead of me, so we'll see if that holds true.

I Need to See Some ID

By kelli14 · June 10, 2011

This blog has been going for almost a year now and dating still never ceases to amaze me.  Yes, I'm still single (and some would argue still picky, but I'm ok with that) and I'm still searching for that elusive perfect-man-for-me.  One day dating will seem easier, probably right around the time I meet Mr. Right and never date again. Until then, here's yet another story of my failed attempts...

I was out for drinks with a friend of mine when two guys walked in and sat at the table next to us. I recognized them as guys I had talked to several months earlier. They're out of state guys hanging out at the local watering hole while living out of suitcases for some job.  We had some friendly conversation the last time I saw them and I told them I'd be around the bar to chat again in the future and then proceeded to not show up at said bar again for 3 months. Nice of me, right? I swear it wasn't intentional.  Fast forward three months later and as I get up from the table to walk to the other side of the bar, one of the guys grabs my arm and says, "You're not leaving, are you? I've waited 3 months to talk to you again and I'd hate to see you leave right now." Sweet in a sort of creepy way.  I assured him I wasn't leaving and would be back to chat with him and his buddy later, and I did.

Conversation was all good just like before, and I'll admit I thought one of the guys was kind of attractive.  He was from West Virginia and had a well-kept beard, appealing to the small part of me that seems to have a thing for lumberjacks or mountain men or something.  As we're talking, he mentions going to see his son the following weekend. I'm usually not one for the ready-made family, but he was easy to talk to and seemed cute in the horrible bar lighting, so I let it slide. Then he says, "I have to spend time with him while I can. He's 17 and will be going to college next year and..." I'm sure there was more after that, but once I heard 17 and college, my mind left the conversation and started doing mental math. I kept telling myself that this was still salvageable. I know people who got married days after high school graduation and had kids within a year afterwards. If that's the case, that would put him mid-30s. No problem. Hell, I know people who had kids while still in high school.... even better!  I'll let this go on for a bit longer....

So then we start talking jobs and I tell him I work for the state. He starts reminiscing about when he worked for the state right out of high school and how he was just starting to enjoy that job, but left it to join the military. What prompted the sudden change? Well, one of his close friends was killed in the first Gulf War. That's right, Operation Desert Storm, as in the war fought from 1990-1991. Yet again, my mind leaves the conversation and heads over to do some mental math.  I remembered when the war was because I had an uncle who served in Iraq during that time. I distinctly remembered being in 3rd grade and about 8-9 years old. This guy was serving our country overseas while I was buying New Kids on the Block gear and singing Debbie Gibson songs in my hairbrush.  Logic says he's at least a decade older than me.  My friend told me to ask him directly how old he was, except that idea scared me.  By not asking, I can crunch the numbers in my favor and pretend he's late 30s to early 40s. But if I ask, well, I don't want to even imagine how that turns out.

I understand age is just a number.  I'm pushing 29, feel 22 and have been told I look 24. What difference does it make if this guy is 35 or 49? It shouldn't make one at all, really, but for some reason it does to me. Forgive me if I want to date a guy closer to my age than my father's.  I would love to say this is the only time I've had this issue, but I'm really terrible at guessing ages.  I'm ok with realizing when a guy is younger than me, but for the most part I have this mindset that anyone who isn't clearly older than me must be somewhere around my age.  I'm usually shocked when I hear someone's actual age, as I'm normally way off in my assumptions (people should be thanking me, really).

You know what would be great? If you found out everything of importance about a person when you first said hello. Like if I walked up to a guy in a bar and said hello and a neon sign above his head said "35 and married but not wearing a ring" or "26, single, mommy's boy" or "42, in a relationship, thinks it's cool to text pictures of his penis." That would make things so much easier, wouldn't it? Though I hate to think of what mine would say...